this one's for you

2009-02-12T00:30:00.002-05:00

my heart is beating faster than my mind can think. tried and tried again, and then tried some more. spent the night with wide eyes and a weakening heart.
im not nearly as strong as i like to think.
thanks for being my knock on wood.
its wearing (me) thin.

you're the safest kind of dangerous.

2009-02-06T21:38:00.003-05:00

it's funny how easy it is to sleep with someone, but how hard it is to sleep next to someone

you're sleeping with the light on like you're dying to be found out.

2009-02-06T17:30:00.000-05:00

professional bridge burner?
why yes, that would be me
I professionally burn bridges, maybe not for a living but definitely on a day to day basis.

2009-01-28T19:13:00.000-05:00

lonely bed and heart

...

if you can't get someone out of your head maybe they're supposed to be there

2009-01-27T20:12:00.003-05:00

As the sun slowly fades, so does your voice. Yet it paints such a beautiful picture. A world where everything is perfect. But that world is galaxies beyond us, beyond the farthest star, yet closer to me then you'll ever be.
The bell on the door of the coffee shop rings and wakes me from my dream world. I blink my eyes a few times and try to see that its actually you standing in front of me. I sigh in defeat and roll my eyes to the gods. you begin to smile when you see me. You begin to speak and my world goes weak. I smile and slowly nod my head. As you turn around and leave, I stand transfixed in my spot. Contemplated why you would talk to me before I look down to see the paper you left folded in my hand, Written in big bold letters are the words I love you too.

2009-01-26T18:36:00.002-05:00

every once in a while i wake up to what feels like lips on my cheek but im always alone. i need you. it used to be everyday now it seems to only be late at night. sometimes i wish for you so hard that i cry. i cry for what we had, for how we'll never have it again and for how im responsible.
i'm done with being proud i want to be vulnerable again. i want to be free again.
im tied down with memories and regrets. im wide awake with feelings i cant shake. my choices have gotten worse, my judgement doesn't exist anymore. i feel more alone in a room full of people than any other time because they always look so alive and i always feel so dead. i dont even know how i really feel anymore. i force it all. i threw away making sense probably the same day i threw you away.

i really wish i didnt need this keyboard to get all of this out.

2009-01-26T18:30:00.002-05:00

believe me i like the way you breathe, and you could stand there forever.
__________

This is a girl who knows the cliches. This is a girl who knows how to make them feel new. This is a girl who knows how to be cruel and this is a girl who knows how to leave scars. Don't take your eyes off of her. This is a girl who will take everything you've got and then just a little bit more. This is a girl who is one of the deliberate outcasts, the original hypocrites, and the ghosts in the wet dreams of morrissey.
This is a girl who didn't know what she was living for. This was a girl who couldn't deal with it.

2009-01-21T19:24:00.002-05:00

sleep is a cheating whore who never comes back to me.
damn you sleep.
but when you do come back, i'll totally be here for you
and then we can collapse together for a while
i can't wait because i really miss you.

salt, sweat, sugar on the ashphalt

2009-01-05T09:52:00.000-05:00

My six o’clock headache is here 10 minutes early and I’m a jittery mess of held back emotions and anxiety. I miss the feeling of having hands being run through my hair and the steady breathing of a boy lying asleep next to me. Nothing can calm me down quite like that can. Today is going on record as the day I project honesty and admit held back truths. Don't look at me like that. I'm not a liar. I'm an emitter of omissions. I'm on sad song overload.
jimmy needs to eat world somewhere far away from my speakers.

Don't forget (the/to) change.

2009-01-03T17:30:00.001-05:00

every other day it seems i give up on all of this. thanks for holding my hand way too tight. i keep swearing to stop falling in love. 'besides, liars turn me on.'
just know i'm not shy. i'm quiet with confidence

i'm lingering.

first of 2008

2009-01-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

There is a flicker from the continuous lights, as minutes turn into hours which turn into days. And day after day after day after day after day my eyes snap open as the first trickles of light reach my eyelids. The water is just not hot enough; this room is just not hot enough; it is just not enough. My hands paint faces: of people, of stories that merge into my own skin, and I admire my work in a mirror. Today is the day. Today will break the reoccurring pattern of my existence.

The voice inside my head keeps me preoccupied as my hands write and I am here, but I am there. My mind explores every aspect of the consistency of my days. Since when does every sunrise look exactly the same? Thoughts interrupted by the echoing bell. An involuntary reaction.

I have followed the concept of long-lost souls that come to me at night. They seem to be the only things that can make me differentiate between my days. They call to me, but melt when the lights come alive. Since when does the sunrise murder the creations inside my mind? Thoughts cut short by the echoing bell. An involuntary reaction.

I live inside a simply patterned world. I shun inconsistency. I fear abnormality. I am the patterned stars, glorified in the sky. Oh, but please, if you could just come a little closer you could see that all the other stars are not just mere copies of me. I watch the back of plastic heads day in and day out, bobbing in agreement of every word spoken by The Higher Ones. Cyclical ideas stopped abruptly by the echoing bell. The bobbing heads involuntary reaction.

The World outside may actually appear to change, but it is carefully controlled by the perfectly timed bell. The trees shift from green to red to dead following the precise clock, ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing. The sun rises everyday. Perfectly. Consistently. Normally. The light is broken off at sunset by the echoing bell. Days are the involuntary reaction.

I’m spinning on my axis, always returning exactly where I have been. I have traveled these courses before, so I recall the outcomes. But doesn’t repetition make everything interesting? Doesn’t repetition make everything interesting? Doesn’t repetition make everything interesting? Saying “NO” will break the Mold. Cross the line. Fight the clones. Thoughts shoved to the side by the echoing bell. Involuntary “yes.”

My hands fight to stay afloat, lingering on this back and forth, back and forth, back and forth progression that doesn’t seem to be progressive. Let us slip underwater for a split-second: to feel what it is like to have no control over ourselves. My muscles relax and let the shifting of the water move me so that I am fighting the tide. My eyes are closed. I am breaking the mold. Shattering the clones. Tossing the array of bells into the bottom of the ocean.

An alarm clock screams.

My eyes snap open.

An involuntary reaction

last blog of 2008

2008-12-30T15:35:00.001-05:00

I'm dreadfully scared of the night time
I take cold showers to punish my bones
and deprive myself of the warm rainfall
"The picture is crooked"
you turn to me and say, "That picture you speak of, is a mirror".

I`ve been kissed and loved at the same time only once in my entire life.

2008-12-06T13:28:00.001-05:00

I`m a screaming mess of imperfections.
I watched as you tore into me,
tearing holes in me
eventually I just ripped myself apart and gave you the biggest piece.

There are a million things that can make me sing, but I can`t even carry a tune.

2008-11-14T19:37:00.001-05:00

is there an emotion called something like i-need-you-right-now?

its on.

2008-11-03T21:57:00.001-05:00

there's not a single soul thinking of you the way i am at this very moment.

2008-10-30T15:34:00.001-04:00

i am your sick day.

2008-10-27T19:04:00.001-04:00

we met in my bedroom.
we didn't talk much.
we kept it sexual.

2008-10-26T21:32:00.002-04:00

I don't need you.
But it sure feels good to kiss you
and I don't love you.
but it sure feels good to want you and,

we roll in tattered sheets.
Held together by recycled promises.

I don't know you.
But it sure feels good to touch you.
I don't belong to you,
but it sure feels good to pretend.

2008-10-26T14:22:00.000-04:00

I have witnessed hearts that forget their place in their own chest.
Beating without a purpose is just as bad as forgetting to.

i swear im coming down alive.

2008-10-22T16:16:00.000-04:00

Days have passed where i awake first with blurry morning eyes that just want somebody there.

Please pull the sheets over my head and tell the world I'm sleeping in

most likely.

2008-10-12T21:25:00.002-04:00

I'm probably just asking to go home when I push you up against the wall.
I'm probably everything you'd ever want.

believe me

2008-10-08T13:43:00.001-04:00

there are times when things are awkward, when the headache i have is caused by something other than the weather or the noise, and the line between what i should and shouldn't do gets blurry. the pile of clothes in the middle of my bedroom floor gets higher and higher, and i am home less and less, but i let the opportunity i have go without a fight.

shut up and appreciate me.

2008-10-02T14:10:00.003-04:00

i think i realize now that the way i want to feel can't be felt with you.
you half made me believe i was half something to you.
stop telling me what you think i want to hear and start telling me some truth.

standstill

2008-10-01T14:06:00.001-04:00

as summer ends it sends reminders that life is just one big countdown

♥

2008-09-17T22:19:00.000-04:00

i'm in love with what you're thinking of

"...skies painted film noir"

2008-09-07T20:30:00.004-04:00

I trace “what could have beens” around your face while you sleep and I pray that whatever it is you need..is what I am.

.

2008-09-07T19:08:00.001-04:00

I like the way your eyes are screaming at me
we’re silently anxious
my heart’s bursting into a song
and I want to sing forever into your mouth

feel for you

2008-05-14T19:29:00.001-04:00

Everything I’ve ever wanted to say lies inside this bottle.
Drink it down to let it out.
I’m fucking pitiful

never be right

2008-05-05T19:59:00.000-04:00

It's the way cigarettes look between 3 a.m. fingers that remind us of adolescence. Faces and names, sketchy with time, are brought back in the haze of bitter smoke. It's the way we store memories in the basements of our minds, and take them out from time to time to remember. The tomb stones of drug addicts and the folded paper notes from lovers we barely knew, remind us of everything we lost. Snakeskin bangles and tattooed hips and rock 'n roll reminded us that the sun still shone behind the clouds.

That was the way we were. Young and stupid and brave. Some had seen too much of love, some too much of hate. Some knew loneliness like a best friend, or a best enemy.

There was the friction of another's jeans and soft lips on shoulders. We knew what is was to love and lose. We were class-A liars, but that's just the beginning. To the world we were statistics on a TV screen, drop-out royalty, the bullets in a broken gun. We were the lucky penny turned tails up. We always heard how we could've been so much more. But that's not the point is it? There was always someone else to go the extra mile. Society didn't need a few other kids high on dreams, with money in their pockets and nowhere to go.

We remember kids with bloody knuckles and black eyes, unfair fist fights in backyards late at night. They weren't fighting each other but more like themselves, and that strange pull to drive off to somewhere, anywhere else. Fists flew in desperate pleas to get out of this city and start over. We longed for that last year, that final night. For some it never came.

2008-04-08T22:29:00.001-04:00

I found a gun
and it was unloaded
put it to my head
and it exploded.

2008-04-06T17:46:00.000-04:00

i've taken such a romantic view of you. you'll surely never recover. i can't undo these things i havent done. this has to be why its never your fault. the truth has become such a distant and fleeting thing. But I havent been able to separate where you begin and where my imagination ends.

2008-03-30T21:10:00.000-04:00

there are three minutes until the alarm goes off,
four before i have to start, and it's one of those days
where my mind is mechanical and my neck feels like breaking.

i'm obviously not over this...

2008-03-30T00:37:00.001-04:00

I said “I’m sorry” even though I’m not and I don’t care. You didn’t deserve it, the apology I mean. The so called “pain” you felt when I left is probably as fake as my apology. So we’re even. We were meant to hurt each other, we’re addicted to it, that’s why we keep coming back. I’ll never mean as much as she does to you and the only thing I’ve got on her is the ability to make you hurt.
And you like it.

"i'm only as loyal as my options"

2008-03-27T18:17:00.000-04:00

My hands still shake on their own. Just another failed attempt to shake it off.
I didn't mean the words I said because I knew your were listening. I’m appropriately under dressed and alone and it's all about who you become in the middle of the night; blurry eyed and stumbling to the only place that feels safe.
I can't even keep these feelings down. Swallowing every last hope, and throwing everything but my hands up. Sometimes the best lines are written for you.

2008-03-24T20:38:00.001-04:00

i threw you out today. and i'm not sorry. you fell and had nowhere to cling.
so you fell on me. fuck it. i'm not here to catch you.
i would say it was written in the sky because it just so happened to be. i sat and fell in love with every word you didn't speak and you just wanted to fuck.
but now i'm catching your eyes from across an ocean and the waves are crashing on me.
what about all those times i was speaking and you were listening?
I'M SPEAKING, GOD DAMN IT. and you're never actually listening.
what if I so called "fell in love" again would you still keep your mouth closed and eyes straight?

I doubt it.

2008-03-23T19:00:00.000-04:00

i have bedroom eyes when i walk down the hallway. but they're not looking at you.
didn't you tell me I was untouchable?
didn't you tell me it could neverevereverever happen to me?
didn't i scream in a climatic state to every god I wish I fucked?
I waited for you
and you waited
and you're palms pretended to sweat as much as mine
I guess the joke's on me?

here's to never having you

2008-03-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

I am messy, I am tired and vaguely worried about how things are turning out, but I still balance the phone on my chest at night, I remember sleeping with your jacket covering me.

And I'm still thinking of ways to be more thorough and how to show you that to fight, you never have to form a fist or say anything less than what you mean

this is it

2008-03-01T20:27:00.000-05:00

I’ll tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less.

2008-02-27T20:45:00.000-05:00

I spent the night dancing in witty circles around your simple mind and you just don't get it. Money can buy happiness, and you just don't have enough zero's. Your fingertips grazing my skin is wrong, but i don't have fingertips so i can't go wrong. I touch without remembering.
I promise I'll forget someday.

2007-12-24T21:36:00.000-05:00

Kiss me hard or not at all.
Because I'm never going to miss you like this again

2007-12-16T01:40:00.000-05:00

I can feel myself shaking with complete and total anger
mixed in with fear and frustration
I think that this is how people feel when they say they’re at the end of their ropes
constant headaches and arguing; all in the name of what? It can’t be love
my hair is unruly; my electronic devices are conspiring against me.
I should take this as a sign for what’s to come
but we know I’m too oblivious for that.
I can’t make up my mind on anything
Jumping in vs. holding back
it’s over vs. “give me one more chance”
black shoes vs. brown boots
I make everything a battle

2007-11-07T21:28:00.000-05:00

We're stuttering, too busy
looking opposite ways
at the same place.
You make my knees fall to the ground
and I'm jealous of your bed.
I need words and more importantly
I need fingertips that convey a stronger point.

i'm almost alive

2007-10-30T20:29:00.000-04:00

holding hands instead of grudges are easier to let go and then pick back up again. I’m glad we’re finally agreeing on something. You know none of this has been easy for me

I need you to try and save me.

I know I’m not the only girl you’ve ever had

2007-10-23T20:54:00.000-04:00

These bottles keep piling up while I keep falling down, nothing can be better than stumbling around trying to hide from feelings. “I’m fine” I stammer out. IT’S ALL LIES.
We all know it.
We all just don’t know how to stop it
I replay events from my past, every time it gets worse
can’t we just go back to laying half naked in each others arms, we may have been inebriated but it still felt nice. Maybe you felt nothing?
I felt safe and comforted half asleep staring at your sleeping figure
pass me another bottle. Let me make another mistake
I’m attached at the hip with bad ideas and even worse regrets, but I wouldn’t change a thing
if it means I end up in your arms sometimes
JUST DROP IT.
I wish I could, its all so heavy this was supposed to mean so much more, or was I just wasting time (wishful) thinking
you know all this could go away if you just said SOMETHING, ANYTHING
even if it burns holes in me like the garbage can we lit on fire to stay warm while looking at stars
"you can’t see them properly, its all the city lights” we went inside, and left the garbage fire to burn out or spread
I wasn’t concerned either way

push through to back down

2007-09-16T20:52:00.000-04:00

Spark a purpose in me, kill the girl who was afraid to live.
Replace her with the girl she wishes she could be
we’ve all been there, that place between pushing through and backing down
I scream at the top of my lungs in this city that illuminates everything so eloquently
I wanted to be eloquent for you, but all I could be was afraid
Afraid of you, us, us together
So I backed down and lost my focus now you’re a blur in the background of my sarcastic life
Now the city skyscrapers mock my small stature in this world and I realize I’m defenseless
we ran around backwards, forwards, sideways and any way to avoid our feelings.
we wanted to feel without the feelings
I’ll be waiting on the other side for you, because I know that behind that smile and collected look you have, you were always as scared as I was
pushing through alone vs backing down with me?
It’s always better together, I understand that now, and I’m not afraid.

2007-09-16T00:10:00.000-04:00

Your perfect eyes are crying perfect tears for a perfection you won’t ever find
Spinning spears straight to hearts that hate. Everyone’s searching for love and only finding war.
Try looking less
and start feeling more

_____________________________

we screamed at the moon by the lake to show us any trace that true love still existed
we were met with silence and our reflections

"innocent and so naive"

2007-08-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

I’m spinning dreams with threads of guilt and mistakes
And this sunlight filtering through my blinds gives this dark world some irony
From the tunnel vision to the cramped backseat, you’re all that I can see
You’ve brought the light in to my mind
like the sunlight dancing on my walls thought the blinds
you could be my sunlight, only if it didn’t sound so clichéd
I won’t say anything
I’ll just let the light dance off my walls and silently think of you as sunlight

i guess i'll see you around

2007-08-14T20:55:00.001-04:00

the space between something and nothing is filled with me and you
old feelings are running away in the dark
the speed that our secrets are formed is half that of how fast they can destroy
the freedom wheels are turning counterclockwise
and headed on a long trip alone
this sweet air screams infidelity
don’t be fooled

full (half) circle

2007-08-06T15:31:00.000-04:00

My feet up on the dashboard
you’re tapping the beat of a song on the steering wheel
our aimless love taking us on a midnight ride
our mix tape is filling the dark
Side A is full of our favourite memory songs, sunsets, and first kisses
headlights giving us small glimpses of what’s ahead
This is freedom
these four wheels moving beneath us
the bumps in the road are symbolic of you and I
I envy the innocent
I want highway signs to take me home
we’re spilling forever from our pores
but this could all be over tonight
the loss of this peaceful night is quickly forgotten as new light spreads across the horizon and onto the dashboard
it’s Neverland on repeat
I sing, write and live for somewhere I’ve never been
Side B is full of emotions I’ve never felt but wish I had
I make circles in dust
and laugh because I know that patch of dirt will never be the same now
because of me
I wish I could do that to a person
Even you’ll be the same when this ends

2007-08-04T00:13:00.000-04:00

I screamed a good bye lullaby
my words flow under the stars and above your head
I’m caving in to my scars
and I’m jealous of your lingering scent
cigarettes and cologne;
never thought I’d find comfort in that smell

2007-08-01T20:48:00.001-04:00

2 years and countless fights later; here we are
Our headlights piercing the darkness
Our heads still spinning the "happily ever after"

2007-07-23T19:53:00.001-04:00

The nights are the worst
knowing you’re so far away
I catch myself wondering;
“Is he thinking of me?”

2007-07-21T22:21:00.002-04:00

2007-06-29T00:26:00.000-04:00

i spilt a jar of romance the other day
now we're in love

2007-06-24T19:54:00.000-04:00

woke up to the world spinning.
"is this some sort of sick joke"
suddenly i'm desperate
"is she alright?"
don't steal my thunder

here's hoping for a bright tomrrow

2007-06-24T00:40:00.000-04:00